Postal
So, in Uwe Boll’s mind, American’s are dumb hicks who cheat on their spouses, left-leaning cultists who want to destroy the world in the name of love and free sexual congress, corrupt cops, have culturally-inappropriate places called Little Germany and latched importance onto toys like the the fictional penis-shaped Krotchy doll, and have a government in league with terrorists who bomb countries inappropriately…oh, well, maybe that last part can be true. Really, what the terminally-bad German filmmaker should be concerned with is making a good movie. For all our faults, we can do without his opinion of us.
For “Postal,” Boll bought up the movie rights to yet another video game (whose creator makes a cameo to beat up Little Germany founder Uwe Boll for his bastardization of his game), supposedly a pretty un-PC one, and used the opportunity to make a satire on American values, politics, and culture. This means a guy called Dude (Zach Ward, “A Christmas Story’s” Scott Farkus no less) can’t get a job because the CEO’s a dick, his obese wife is too busy getting dick from other guys in their trailer park home to care, and he gets harassed by a guy with bling for change because, well, all Americans who LOOK well-to-do are just loaded. Meanwhile, his brother Dave (Dave Foley, who apparently is so desperate for work he thought this would be a good idea) is the magnetic leader of a left-leaning religious cult that happens to include introductory orgies with Dave- who’s supposedly God on Earth I guess- for all the new female members. Like Dude, Dave has a cash flow problem.
Enter the new Krotchy dolls, which are the next big thing in a culture that scampered for Tickle-Me-Elmo and Furbies, even though they look like a plush penis that talks. In order to raise the money Dave’s religion needs in order to avoid audit from the IRS, Duke and Dave will steal the 2000 Krotchy dolls that survived a tanker sinking and sell them on eBay, making thousands off desperate bidders. Unfortunately, Osama bin Laden- who’s having a hard time rallying the troops what with the differing number of virgins in Heaven they can promise recruits- has his own plans with them. The resulting mayhem is indicative of the film’s pointlessness.
Here’s the thing about filmmaking. Actually, here’s the thing about life in general. You can’t force comedy into being…it has to come out naturally. Look at “The Love Guru”…not funny. Then look at “Pineapple Express”…very funny. Comedy comes from character, story, situations, and delivery. When all of these come together…funny stuff occurs. Uwe Boll shows by this film he knows nothing about comedy (and showed with earlier films- which generate big unintentional comedy (see “In the Name of the King” if you don’t believe me)- that he certainly doesn’t know anything about filmmaking). The comedy in “Postal” feels forced into being, even though past funnymen like Foley, J.K. Simmons, Verne Troyer, and David Huddleson are saying things that Boll clearly intends to be funny…they aren’t- they’re just stupid. The funniest moments in the movie- such as they are- come from the way Osama bin Laden is portrayed less as the monster he is than an incompetent manager of a terrorist group who’s losing control of his zealots (the scenes of him at a motivational speaker are actually the closest this film comes to genuine laughs). His covert calls to George W., on the other hand, reek of pale posturing towards conspiracy theorists. Because of Boll’s incompetence, this feels less like real satire and more like one of those God-awful “Movie” spoofs from the team of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg (who also hit us with a double team of badness this year with “Meet the Spartans” and “Disaster Movie”).
Boll is the director who once challenged five of his harshest critics to a boxing match, the footage of which he was intending to use in this film. After seeing the film, I think that would have been more entertaining to watch. At least it’s an openly self-important act on the part of the filmmaker instead of this trip down the satirical gutter, which hides its’ self-importance like the Bush administration has hidden its’ intelligence on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.
